How are you different from what you show to the world?
How am I different from what I show the world? It’s not that I’m hiding the truth about myself, it’s more that we always want to put our best foot forward. We don’t like to show our insecurities and our doubts so would cover them up and stuff them away in the drawer.
We all have things were insecure about. Some of us have stuffed them so far back in the drawer that we don’t even know they still exist. The hard work is when we pull them out or when we empty that drawer and find them again.
I did not write a blog post last week because everything I wrote seemed too superficial. As I am writing this, I am making a commitment to go back and look at those pieces. Were there hidden insecurities within them that I did not want to dig up? Were there pieces of myself that I’m not ready to show to the world?
Maybe I fear judgment.
Maybe I don’t want to show the world that sometimes I’m scared.
Maybe I don’t want people to see that sometimes I doubt myself.
Maybe I just don’t want to let people down.
I am working on writing about body image. The sections are hard to write. The pieces of myself that I have to dig up about this relationship with my body are hard to look at. One of the pieces I have been working on is about my relationship with the mirror. I have written pieces about seeing beyond my outer appearance and looking for the real me in the mirror. I have taught workshops and yoga classes and sent people home with my belief in them. My belief in them, that has nothing to do with what they look like in the mirror.
Do you walk by the mirror and say, “damn, I look great!” or do you walk by the mirror and suck your belly in as you critique your body? Maybe even a combination of the two? My daughter shared with me a song called, “A House with No Mirrors” by Sasha Sloan. It spoke to me. It speaks to anyone that has ever been critical of their looks. I showed it to my husband, and he asked me if I had written the lyrics. I told him no, but I could have.
“if I lived in a house with no mirrors…maybe I’d dream a little bigger…where the walls didn’t pick me apart”
As I look back at her lyrics, I see myself and most of the women I know in these words. It makes me sad, and it makes me mad. My rational mind tells me how lucky I am to be healthy and strong. My rational mind tells me I look fine. But then someone asks, “have you lost weight? You look great”. I hear, you looked horrible and fat before, but now you are acceptable.
“I'd throw on some jeans, not know the size…Walk out the door and not wanna cry…If I lived in a house with no mirrors…Where the walls didn't talk back at me…”
These are some of the things I have had rolling around in my head. These are the thoughts that push me to find ways to help others feel good about themselves. Is it a way for me to comfort the young girl inside me that never felt slim enough or pretty enough or smart enough? Maybe.
When I write a blog, I always want to leave a positive thought, a teaching moment or something that will help others. When I can’t find that piece of inspiration it’s hard to continue writing.
Sometimes, maybe, just writing the truth is inspiration enough.